第4章 A Visit with Dr. Jeffrey

Over the next several months, Kevin's death had a major impact on Larry. While he'd loved his brother with all his heart, he had always been concerned that Kevin was missing out on life because he was working all the time. Kevin's career had taken its toll not only on his health but also on his relationships-Angie was his third wife. Kevin had three kids from prior marriages. Reconnecting with them at the funeral, Larry realized they hadn't known their father very well. Kevin had always talked about the great things he planned to do someday, when things slowed down. Now that day would never come.

"I'm seriously thinking about stepping back from the business, Janice."

Janice looked up from packing her briefcase. "That's ironic. Here I am getting ready to interview to be the director of Learning Is for Everyone and you're planning on cutting back."

For the past five years, Janice had been a committed volunteer at Learning Is for Everyone, an organization that brought college students together with underprivileged kids for tutoring.

"The timing doesn't sound ideal," said Larry. "This means you're not going to be around nearly as much."

Janice said, "I know this isn't perfect timing for you, but the job's not going to be full-time. And when this opportunity came up, I thought about Kevin's death and I started to wonder, 'What am I waiting for?' Remember, your old teacher Dr. Jeffrey encouraged us to refire and add some zest to our lives, right?"

"But as I recall, refiring wasn't just about working. Jeffrey mentioned relationships, learning, and other things, too. Kevin's death has really got me thinking how much time I'm spending working. So I know I want to refire, but I'm not sure what that will look like for me."

Janice closed her briefcase and put it aside. "Dr. Jeffrey offered to give us coaching about refiring. This seems like the perfect time to take him up on that offer, since we're both searching for what's ahead-for each of us personally, as well as for us as a couple."

"Let's go see him!" said Larry.

As Larry and Janice pulled into the university parking lot for their appointment with Dr. Jeffrey, their first problem was finding a place to park.

"Now I see why they say a university consists of thousands of people gathered together around a common parking problem," Larry joked.

"That certainly seems to be true today, doesn't it?" said Janice. "I remember reading about Clark Kerr's final speech when he stepped down years ago as president of the University of California. He said he wished he'd known at the beginning of his tenure what he knew then-namely, the three goals of a university: First, winning football for the alumni. Second, sex for the students. And third, parking for the faculty."

"That's a good one," said Larry with a laugh.

After finally finding a spot, they walked to Dr. Jeffrey's building, where they sat in a pleasant waiting room until the receptionist called their names and ushered them to his office.

Dr. Jeffrey stood to greet them. "Come on in," he said.

"We appreciate your kind offer to give us some refiring coaching," said Larry.

"This works out for me too, because telling me about your experience will help me in my research," Dr. Jeffrey replied.

"Speaking of research," said Janice, "what are you finding in your studies that could help us in our refiring journey?"

"First," said Dr. Jeffrey, "it's become clear to me that a lot of people who have experienced outer success in their lives have inner turmoil. They are not lovers of themselves. We've found conclusive evidence that achievements and accumulation of wealth do not make people happy. Happiness is an inside-out job."

"I'd like to hear more about that," said Larry.

"When you're externally motivated around your achievements and popularity with others, somehow that doesn't result in inner peace. Your focus is on success, which plays out in accumulation of wealth, recognition, and power/status. While there's nothing wrong with accumulating wealth, receiving recognition for your efforts, and having some power and status, what's wrong is when you think that's who you are. When that's the case, you have to keep on getting more of each of those."

"Interesting," said Larry. "What's the answer to that?"

"There's plenty of emphasis on success in our culture. I'm finding we have to help people focus on significance as well."

"What's the difference?" asked Janice.

"Significance focuses on three different measures: generosity, service, and loving relationships.

"Generosity is the opposite of accumulating wealth. It involves giving your time, your talent, and your treasure to others," Dr. Jeffrey continued.

"That makes sense," said Larry. "I've always thought that making money for money's sake wasn't very valuable, but it has given me the opportunity to help others."

"Remember," said Dr. Jeffrey, "in our later years it's not only money we can share but also our wisdom, our time, and our talent.

"That leads to the second aspect of significance: service, which is the opposite of recognition. Now the focus is on helping others, not yourself. A pastor friend of mine put it well when he said that real joy in life comes when you get in the act of forgetfulness about yourself."

"And that happens when you are doing something kind for someone else," said Janice.

"That's true," said Dr. Jeffrey. "That leads to the third aspect of significance, which is loving relationships-the opposite of power/status. A friend of mine, John Ortberg, wrote a wonderful book called When the Game Is Over, It All Goes Back in the Box. It's a story about him and his grandmother. When he was young, she was an incredible Monopoly player. At the end of the game, she had everything and John had nothing. She would get this grin on her face and say, 'John, someday you're going to learn how to play the game.'"

Dr. Jeffrey continued, "One summer when John was about thirteen, a kid moved next door who was an ace Monopoly player. John practiced with him every single day, because he knew his grandmother was coming in September. When that day arrived, John ran to greet her and said, 'Hi, Grandma! How about a Monopoly game?'

"His grandmother's eyes lit up and she said, 'Let's go, John.' But John was ready for her this time. He came out of the chute and wiped his grandmother out. He said it was the greatest day of his life! His grandmother smiled and said, 'John, now that you know how to play the game, let me teach you a lesson about life: it all goes back in the box.'

"'What do you mean?' John asked. She said, 'Everything you accumulated-all the hotels, houses, utilities, cash-it all goes back in the box.'

"And how true that is," said Dr. Jeffrey with a smile. "You can accumulate all the money, recognition, and power/status you want in life, but at the end it all goes back in the box. The only thing you get to keep is your soul, and that's where you store who you loved and who loved you."

"That reminds me of the ending of the movie Ghost," said Janice. "It ties right into that."

"I think I saw that a number of years ago," said Dr. Jeffrey.

"Yes, it's been around for a while. It's the story about a young financier, played by Patrick Swayze, who was killed by a supposed friend. He gets to stay on earth as a ghost to protect his girlfriend Molly, played by Demi Moore. And he gets to talk to her through the help of a clairvoyant by the name of Oda May, played by Whoopie Goldberg. At the end of the film, Sam has avenged his death and he, Molly, and Oda May are on the rooftop of Molly's apartment building. A white light starts coming toward them. Oda May says, 'They're coming for you, Sam.' Sam turns and looks at Molly. When he was alive, he never told Molly he loved her. She would say, 'Sam, I love you' and he would say, 'Ditto.' Now, with tears coming down his face, he says, 'Molly, I love you. I've always loved you.' And with tears in her eyes she says, 'Ditto.' Sam turns toward the light, then stops and turns to Molly one last time. 'Molly,' he says, 'the remarkable thing about this is that you can take the love with you.'"

"Wow," said Larry, "and that's the only thing we're going to take out of this world, isn't it?"

"I believe so," said Dr. Jeffrey.

"Wait a minute," said Janice. "This gets to what Larry and I were talking about this morning. He's thinking about cutting back on his work to focus on significance. But I feel like I've been focusing on significance for years, raising the kids and volunteering my time. I'd like to try a little success at this point in my life."

She turned to Larry. "And wouldn't you get a kick out of being introduced as the spouse of the director of Learning Is for Everyone?"

Larry laughed. "It may take me a few days to get used to it."

"Success and significance are not necessarily in conflict-and they don't have to happen in that order," said Dr. Jeffrey. "Wanting to experience a bit of success doesn't mean you've abandoned significance.

"The key," he continued, "is to make sure you are solid emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually-or as I mentioned to you at the reunion, in the heart, the head, the body, and the soul. When those four are integrated, you become whole and create a powerful foundation for moving forward in your life. It establishes a framework for being a wise, loving, mature, creative, and balanced person."

"Sounds a little complicated," said Larry.

"Establishing that balance is not something that happens overnight," Dr. Jeffrey replied. "When I work with people on this, I tell them to anticipate at least a year-long learning curve, focusing on each area for at least three months."

"Where should we start?" asked Larry.

"Let's start with your hearts-the emotional side. That's where our relationships come into play. But rather than me explaining the importance of emotional balance, I'd like for you to go see some friends of mine, Wendy and Harold Tong. They're a terrific couple who have just backed off from very active careers. They understand well the emotional side of life, and I think they could give you a good handle on how relationships can really enhance this stage of your journey. My assistant will give you their contact information. Please go see them. After you've had a chance to think about and apply what you learn from them, let's get back together in about three months or so."

"Sounds good," said Larry as he smiled at Janice. "And thanks for helping us get started on our journey to refire."

PAUSE, REFLECT, TAKE ACTION

Considering the emotional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual parts of your life, which one is getting the least attention-and how can you change that?

What are you doing out of habit rather than zeal?

What is the current balance between your striving for success and achieving significance?

What can you do to be of service to others?

Choose one service-oriented activity you can commit to doing now.